Question?

I’ve been wondering: is it better to wear a façade throughtout your daily life pretending you’re happy even when you’re not, or wallow in self pity whilst seeking help from others to alleviate the pain?

Alone

After spending most of this week making my way to and from lectures, I have realized just how alone I am in this world. The crevice in my heart opens wider and wider, allowing the shadows of my depression to escape and engulf me completely. I don’t have to be alone, yet I choose to be. Why?

Exams are looming

I am really starting to stress out over my end of year exams now. With less than 2 months to go, I really think I should just put my head down and study. However to do that, I must first get rid of the biggest distraction: the internet. I keep telling myself that I’ll cut MSN and Facebook but I just can’t bring myself up to do it. Without MSN I won’t be able to talk to some of the friends who actually mean alot to me and bring a smile to my face at the end of a very gloomy day.
I find it stupid, how thirteen years of academic achievement can be calculated through exams spanning over one month. Surely, the ENTER score that we achieve is by no means a reflection of our knowledge and academic capacity. Why are friends pitted against each other, competing for a higher ENTER score to brag about and get into university with? Why must universities be so strict as to deny students who are just a couple of points away from the ‘clear-in’ ENTER score?
It’s horrible thinking about the future. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Immediately after college we will have to go around to interviews for first round offers, where being accepted means another three-four years of education. If I was to complete a postgraduate degree that would mean another three years. Then I would have to worry about employment, bills, tax, money… ==” That’s half of my life gone already.
That is why I want to do a university course that will be enjoyable and allow me to achieve some of my goals in life. Sure, I have to admit I am not really thinking about future employment and all that jibberjab at the moment with the university courses but my thinking is that considering we spend half of our lives in school we might as well enjoy it to the fullest.

-Phillip

Remember

As I start this blog again for the second time, I try to recall the reason why I abandoned this the first time. I remember now, it was because there were some things that I didn’t want to remember.
I would like to think that I’ve changed over these last two-three years but in retrospect, the old Phillip is no different from the ‘new’ one. Sure the appearance has changed but the fragility and self-depreciation still remains. I still remember the grovelling wreck I was when I started this blog all those years ago. Ahh, I really thought that I’m better than that.
So after two years I see her again. See, what is wrong with me? It’s been so long but I still can’t let things go. I told myself that this blog wouldn’t be about her anymore, this blog wouldn’t be about me droning on about my failures in life. I told myself that this time it would be different. But… seeing her again really brought me back down to earth. Nothing is different. As we made awkward eye contact memories flashed before me, I tried to blink them away but they still remained. No I don’t like this girl anymore, or so I tell myself.
Why does it hit me so much? The past week I’ve been pondering over the same question, raking my brains for an answer and I think it hits me: I’m still considerably unsatisfied with life right now and I can’t help but to think whether life would have been any better if she was still in it.
It’s funny how fate works. At a time when I thought that I was on top of the world, a sudden appearance changes everything. To top things off, that same night while I was waiting for a lift, rain started pouring down onto me. I made no effort to seek shelter. The sound of the raindrops beating against the earth was deafening. It was almost as if God was telling me to scream at the top of my lungs to let out my frustration. A drop rolled down my cheek and it was then that I laughed to myself hysterically as I remember a similar scene in my life that I thought I had long forgotten.

- Phillip.